DANGERS OF HINGING RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE ON MATERIALISM

Have you been deserted or ditched by a ‘’trusted’’ friend whom probably you have shared some very vital parts of your life with; whom you have borne some notable risks for and have helped in so many ways in times of his/her own needs? How did you feel? Heartbroken?

If you were really hurt by a friend that ditched you in times of your sorrow, how would it be if it were from someone supposed to be sticking closer to you than anyone, say your wife or your husband; maybe with whom you may have had two or more children?

Every friendship has a base, a foundation on which it is grown. In every relationship or association between two or more people, there is always a strong subject matter which binds all together. You will know this by what you always discuss with anyone with whom you have a relationship with. One may notice when the two are together, they talk more about business matters, political affairs, common or family issues, amorous matters, wild escapades. Others may discover they even have a common criminal inclination. This is called the area of ‘’special interest’’ and that is the strongest point on which the friendship is built.

It may also be spiritual. Two people may find out they share a common belief, religious or philosophical etc. And that is why the parlance, birds of a feather flock together is always true because without a common or area of special interest no friendship or relationship will hold.

So it is with the relationship between a man and a woman, for every union is built on a common interest, no matter how divergent each other’s view or background may be. A woman must have a reason to love and want to build a ‘’lasting’’ relationship with a man and so it is with a man also.

Some of the reasons why a man or woman may love and want to build a union or relationship are: educational qualification – a man or woman may form alliance or relationship with someone based primarily on one’s educational qualification. One may go for another with a higher or lower or even the same educational qualification based on some personal reasons.

Physical attraction or charm – which includes height, skin color, and sometimes things as trivial as a woman’s curvatures and sizes of the rear might play a major role on a man choosing a woman for a union or friendship. And some women love men who are tall and masculine with impressive macho.

Family background – which includes status, royalty, wealth or even ethnic inclination.

Other reasons may include: charisma or intelligence, spiritual affinity, courage or character.

Thus we can see the above reasons might be divided into material and non-material reasons. Material reasons are the ones that can be seen with the eyes like physical attraction, while non-material is the one that cannot be seen or touched like character.

The difference between these two reasons is that relationships found on non-material reasons last longer than those on material reasons. Why? Because non-material reasons outlast material reason. For example physical attraction may be marred by accident or sickness. Status changes and wealth may flyaway someday. Even educational qualification may fail one due to many economic or other reasons. While character is almost indestructible since it is an intricate quality, embedded within. And a courageous man always prove his mettle in difficult circumstances. For the reason that courage does not depend on any type of physical measurement, it is a long lasting quality. Wisdom increases in quality even when it gets older. And it has been proven that a spiritual bond is strong enough to bind even a group tightly together.

When we were growing up, I still remember vividly my little friend who was always there to ‘’short’’ my ration. He was so consistent on our mealtime that I began to think the time had been chipped into his brain to spontaneously respond. And it happened one weekend my mother did not return quickly from the market, as such our lunch that very day was grossly delayed. To my amazement, as if my little friend knew, he wasn’t present at our house that day.

When the hunger increased beyond what my little belly could bore, I remembered my friend with a big smile of hope and being that their house was not far from ours I wasted no time hurrying there to do something about the pangs of this hunger pummeling my stomach. Perhaps it’s his time to feed me, I had thought.

I got to their house, lo and behold my friend was on the table eating from an over-sized plate heavily packed with "rice and beans,’’ my favorite dish as a child. Happily I smiled and hastened my pace as I saw him a little distance; but to my chagrin, the closer I drew to the plate, the more he shifted it afar from me.

I stood and asked,"What is the meaning of this?’’ The answer I received was more shocking than the act itself. He told me boldly that he couldn’t share his meal with "anybody.’’ I wanted clarification about the word "anybody’’ whether it included me because I had always thought our friendship was something special. As little as we were then, he was able to make it clear that sharing his meal was a "no-go area’’ irrespective of any sort of friendship. I wasted no time reminding him how many times I had shared mine with him after we had played together. I went a step further pointing out how "big’’ his meal was and was sure it would do just the two of us. All I had wanted was to "arrest’’ the biting hunger in my small belly so that I could linger till my mother would come back to prepare our lunch. Rather he preferred covering up the remnant which he couldn’t finish. He was "saving’’ the part for hunger after he must have finished playing. And that day he joined the other children to play "deserting’’ me totally in my ‘’hunger.’’

As insignificant as this event was, it gave me the first glimpse as a child how "sweet’’ friendship with "a friend-in-eating’’ was.  

A relationship set up on material gain, inasmuch as one party is gaining in any material form that party would always be there for you. But would never be willing to reciprocate the same kind of gesture you had always done for the person without any hesitation, most probably in their "trying’’ times.

I also remembered many years back, a neighbor of mine, and a struggling junior civil servant in Imo State, Nigeria who saw a damsel pretty and fair and approached her for marriage. She declined the offer but he wasn’t giving up. He was so desperate and had to pester the lady to tell him what he must do to "buy’’ her love (and not win her love).

In the end the lady remembered that she just graduated from a fashion-designing apprenticeship and had really needed to set up. She told him all she had wanted – 7 sewing machines, a lady’s motorcycle and a cash of fifty thousand naira which amounts to about $250 or more. He wasted no time in fulfilling the financial obligation by borrowing because all these amount to more than his one-year salary.

After about four weeks later, he suffered a near heart-attack when someone who knew about his escapade with the lady got hold of the lady’s printed wedding invitation with another man and brought it to him.

There was also a lady who used to sell okra and vegetables in Owerri market and had a boyfriend, a so-called "fiancé" whom she took so many risks for. Spent a fortune on his head, helping finance him through the university despite her struggling state of income, only for the boy to graduate and just disappearing without traces from the lady, who of course wept her eyeballs out.

I do not think in life there is somebody who loves a fair-weather friend. We all cherish a faithful and loyal companion who would stand by us in both hard times and good times.

To whom much is given, much is expected. Therefore it is left for you to put that your friend or companion to the test before you go ahead to invest much on him/her; it may be wise to know on what truly is your relationship built. For that will also determine the quality of your friendship or union. 

No matter how guaranteed we might be with any physical quality, we must know that nothing is secured in this insecure world. For surely when that material thing on which the friendship is hinged vanishes, the relationship crumbles. When ‘’things fall apart,’’ the center no longer can hold.