Preparing for marriage

Source: Heartmenders Magazine

By Rose Ebere

NIGERIA - Having a relationship is one of the most powerful and common things in the world. That is why all living things perform a kind of pairing. From birds of the sky, mandrills in the forest, to the fishes in the seas including microorganisms. No man is an island; without various kinds of relationships and interactions, the world will lose its piquancy.

Marriage is one of the most important institutions in the world. It affords two different individuals the opportunity of coming together to develop and have a special kind of relationship. Everybody feels the need for warmth and companionship, triggered by the dynamic quality of love. Loneliness is destructive. Nonetheless, marriage is far more than mutual interaction or relationship. It is a relationship with the utmost intimacy which is why it exerts the most long-lasting impact on someone. The very more reason why one needs to prepare ahead in time for it.  

When can one start preparing for it or what is the ideal age for marriage? 

There are many suggestions from different experts about the age bracket usually thought to be the most appropriate time for marriage, but one thing that is glaring is that the average marrying age for both men and women has changed. There is a significant increase from what it used to be the last, say 30 years ago, and now. Many factors are responsible for it.

In our days we marry very early, in the early teens, in Nigeria. That used to be the norm, in the mid-50s and thereabout.  Many fathers refused to train their daughters educationally except for few enlightened ones.  There was not much pressure to go to the University. Most of the luxuries people sought after today was not a concern for the people back then. The kind of economy we had could absolutely be supported with mere farming, fishing or simple crafts like carpentry. The whole family leaned on the male-folk, supporting them to provide wholly for the family. 

But these days, for both men and women, there is need to study one professional course or the other; there is need to pursue or learn a vocational career in order to be able to foot the uncountable skyrocketed bills no one can avoid in modern living.

The various compelling pressures keep widening the marriageable age. And this average age for getting married keeps increasing, not only in Nigeria, but across the globe. Even in some lands, it has become a source of worry to their governments. It is to curb this trend and encourage early marriages that made Iranian officials, at one time, to launch a matchmaking site and getting actively involved in pairing dates while they are younger.

Nonetheless, the average marrying age in Nigeria is much higher compared to that in the western world.  A poor economy is not spared as one of the major culprits for this disparity.

Most Nigerian men don’t get married until they are in their thirties. That is usually when they can afford to get themselves a wife. Nigerian men believe a man needs to be sure that he can take care of a family before venturing into marriage. There are also some who had to wait up to their early 40’s before they are ready. It takes many graduates time to get a job; and most who get something are usually underpaid, as a result, it will take them some time to save up enough money to be able to provide most of their basic needs before they can consider themselves ready. There is no sort of government help for the citizens, and if there is, it is usually grossly inadequate, as everyone needs to work hard on their own to provide for themselves.

Since it takes a long time for the men to get ready, the women would have no other option than to age waiting. And the worst of all, when these men get ready, most of them would prefer to marry younger women. A man in his late 40’s would be relishing for a woman in her early twenties and below. Which is why a woman needs to get more prepared for this union, earlier, today.

Many Nigerian women cross the 30-years line without getting married. Some in their forties and early fifties, yet without a groom. Nigerian women love education and most wouldn’t want to get themselves bothered with marriage. Not until at least they graduate.

Unlike back in our days, today it is not common to see girls marry at the age of 18, except in some cultures especially from the northern part of Nigeria where early teen marriages are still prevalent. Nowadays many of our women marry at the age of 24 and many others above 28.

Studies have shown that marriages when a woman is 18 are two times as likely to end in divorce compared to those when she is 25 or more. This may be due largely to the fact that the more a woman gets mature, the more experience she gains which prepares her ahead for the challenges that follow every marriage. Experience increases understanding. With increased understanding, arguments would be less or more maturely handled. Also by that age, she would be able to earn more money due to added professional experiences unlike when she is 18 or less, fresh out from secondary or high school and mostly without a handwork.

It is important that a woman should not waste her time but start preparing early by developing herself. She should figure out earlier what she wants: a vocation, handwork or a degree, and then start doing things to earn money in order to be able to support herself as an independent woman first. And this would also empower her to become customarily ready to contributing something to a home.

This is important. In Nigeria, the trend these days has become men seeking working class women or entrepreneurs who can help support the family financially. Most men today, consider women who do not work or earn any money unproductive and a liability.

Preparation is also important for the reason that the nature of marriage is one in which two opposite people with completely different background, experiences and most times, different culture and language are merged to live together not in a casual union, in order to produce a wholesome family, but in a union meant to last forever, or at least till "death put them apart." 

It needs a high dose of communication skills, understanding, tolerance, patience to make a marriage work. These qualities are very vital and also applied in raising children. One must also be prepared to give the family the full attention it deserves, in order to maximize the happiness that comes from having a family.

There is no hard and fast rule on the ideal time or age to marry. Some younger women have behaved and composed themselves maturely in marriage than many older ones. So age is not the best way to judge maturity or preparedness. It is indispensable that one prepares oneself fully for it.

Again for the woman, developing or learning home keeping and management skills is important. Examples are cooking, sewing, baking, washing dishes, keeping a room clean and tidy. There are so many of them.

The men should also learn at least one or two of these home-keeping skills to help out. Since women now do secular work that is highly demanding and time-consuming, it would be most unfair when a woman comes back from work and the entire household chores left for her to do, just because she is a woman. Men should sometimes help out in the kitchen and in the house chores.

When you are well convinced in your mind that you are ready to live with a soulmate, after taking your time to garner the necessary experiences and skills, the next thing is courtship.

Courtship is very vital in a marriage. Since marriages are broken today by incompatibilities in various areas of life, it is imperative to prepare for marriage by courting. Courtship offers the opportunity to work out compatibilities in 3 vital fields: emotional, mental and spiritual. Without taking the time to work out the differences in these areas, it would definitely lead to a breakup.

Two different people cannot have the exact emotional feelings. Temperament varies; so they two must work out together how to bear with each other in different areas of discrepancies in their responsive qualities. It is vital to establish a means of settling disputes or disagreements. This is what emotional compatibility is all about.

It is important to carefully consider the effect of the disparity in the levels of education; the impact of the differences in intellectual capacity or level on each other, and find ways to bridge the gap. It is also vital to check what the individual interests are and how to accommodate them and achieve mental compatibility.

Spiritual compatibility is also important: how spirituality affects the way one lives. There can be irreconcilable differences in religious or spiritual beliefs and practices. Individual’s spiritual goals and moral integrity matter very much. Spiritual differences are something no one building a lasting union should ignore.

Physical attraction and sexual compatibility are secondary. Because they are not the foremost things in a relationship. But another major cause of concern in compatibility is financial. It is very vital to work out and have an agreeable clear-cut way to handle money matters before ever getting married. Disagreements in financial matters have led to many divorce cases.  

Courtship is like planning how a marriage would be and one failing to plan is planning to fail. Having a mutual agreement in all things during courtship is usually the best way than hoping to step into marriage with the differences with the mind that things would work themselves out somehow. Forlornly, it will never, unless there is agreement.

Another very important factor in courting someone is finding a person who is ready when you are ready. It would not be fitting if you would be ready to marry, say the next 2 years, you go and be courting someone who is getting ready to marry in the next 10 years. This time lapse can lead to avoidable disappointments and heartbreak. Depending on your age or what you want, time might not be on your side. Remember a woman has a limited time period for giving birth, before menopause sets in, unlike the man. Therefore, it would be reasonable to find someone who has the same timeframe in mind for marriage with you.

Do not cohabit. Most cohabitations do not end up in marriages. The things needed to consummate a marriage is not hard for someone who is truly in love with you and who is actually ready to marry you. Rather than keep living together as though you are married, what stops your partner going to consummate the marriage and make it legal? 

Now, are you prepared for marriage? 

That is a question each and every person who wants to walk down the aisle will answer themselves. As far as you are 18 and above you are qualified to marry. But remember being qualified and being prepared for marriage are two parallel lines. They are not the same. It will always be requisite acquiring or developing the vital skills and experiences that will make you succeed in marriage before you say, “I do.”

Rose Ebere is the Relationship & Parenting Editor of Heartmenders Magazine. For all relationship and parenting questions, email her @ heartmendersmagazine@yahoo.com. And address all such emails specifically in her name.

Note that all the articles that were previously published in Heartmenders Magazine and now appearing on Heartmenders Magazine blog have been updated and re-edited.
 Opening image: A newly wedded bride and groom in Nigeria. Photo credit: Gbenga Photography, Pinterest.